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Apache connections

Well, thank heavens Telkom has sorted out our ADSL line. I’ve had the Red Indian connection since the weekend; you know the type – an Apache here and apache there which saw me commenting furiously until my pc told me to take a long walk off a short pier. After logging a call on Sunday, during which the call centre techie had me switch off my router while she reset it unsuccessfully, I received confirmation yesterday afternoon that the fault had been resolved. Well done Telkom!

Poor Big Sweetie had to go up to the Sleepy Hollow yesterday to sort out a couple of issues, (after I discovered that our one switch wasn’t functioning), and ended up being away the entire day. Normally the remaining two stooges aka Medium and Little Sweetie would receive email from him from whichever office he may be visiting, but not a peep out of him.

So what do you do? You grab a wooden spoon (or your keyboard these days) and stir…

Could it be,

that you’re as blue as I

seeing Big Sweetie left us?

Albeit with a bye,

but nary a ‘Hi’

or a single word since.

I wonder if it’s true

(between me and you)

that he has, up there

not one girlfriend, but two?

Should we also, perhaps

seek greener pastures

or be kind and sweet

and forgive his lapse?

Let the fun and games commence!

Just a bit cracked, I am

I was reading Lime’s post (a blogger who is part of the Letterdash community) yesterday morning about pain and broken ribs, and I can certainly relate to that feeling of excruciating pain each time you take a breath, never mind the agony of trying to dress.

And how did I end up with a couple of cracked ribs, I hear you ask?

That’s the easy part.

My Giant Rat gave them to me.

Picture the scene:

We were young and stupid (as opposed to being older and still stupid!)

My Giant Rat and I had this little ‘thing’ where I would run and jump up, with him catching me as I clung to him like a monkey with my arms and legs wrapped around his torso. Which, considering the great difference in our size and height, was a whole lot of fun to do especially as we would first snuggle before making him carry me too.

Anyhoo, one memorable Saturday evening we set off to the movies with a good friend of ours. I don’t know how many of the Durban bloggers remember the Nu Metro cinema complex at the BP Centre in West Street, but it was a great venue, complete with a bar where one could have a drink before going to settle down to watch a movie. For the life of me I cannot recall which movie the three of us had gone to watch, but I do remember us having a couple of drinks first. I’m sure it must have been some or other action movie which probably put one of the most daft ideas into my noggin…

The cinema itself was huge, with a central horizontal passage separating the upper and lower seating areas, and two vertical aisles separating the blocks of seats. Naturally we were seated right at the back (as I hate seeing a movie before anyone else *grin*), and after the movie ended we waited for everyone to vacate their seats and make their way down all the stairs.

And then my brainwave struck! And more’s the pity it didn’t just knock me out there and then, but I digress.

I merrily went skipping down all the stairs to the central horizontal passage, and turning to face my Giant Rat and our friend G, I shouted to hubby to run and jump and I would catch him! Oi vey! I must have left my sign at home that day.

Well, he ran and jumped. I tried my utmost to catch him, but you do the math. One short-arsed 4ft11 midget who was also horribly underweight at the time trying to catch a strappingly robust and healthy 6ftplus giant who had come hurtling down heaven knows how many stairs at a speed.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know how it turned out! The minute I was struck by the giant projectile we both went tumbling down the lower stairs until we came to a complete halt with me on the ground below my Rat. I remember having all the stuffing knocked out of me along with my breath, and even after the great weight had lifted I still lay there stunned before I was eventually able to get up with the help of my Rat and G.

Strangely enough, I was able to jump up on the back of the bike and still head off to the beachfront for our usual habit of ending off the evening with coffee. I felt like a bus had run over me in the early hours of Sunday morning, but put it down to being really badly bruised which I was. It was only when I got the most horrendous agonising pains trying to breathe that I suspected I had something more serious than severe bruising, and toodling off to my GP on the Monday morning (and I might add, walking like I had sat on a rather large carrot), I was sent for x-rays which confirmed his initial diagnosis that I had cracked a couple of ribs.

Hehehe, luckily (for me) my GP knew me very well so instead of giving me a lecture, he simply taped me up and gave me a script for pain killers whilst peering at me over the rims of his specs and shaking his head. A wise man he was 🙂

Legal counsel

At some stage of our working day, you’ll find a three-way email flying through cyber space between Big Sweetie, a close friend in our other building and myself. We have been so busy since Monday, that there’s been no time for taking a break of any sort, and I have had my backside firmly glued to my chair assisting another division with capturing screeds of data into Excel. All mind (and bum) numbingly braindead.

Yesterday that changed with a desperate cry for help from D at our other building. To put you in the picture, the person she refers to as Urkel is a chap who was transferred down from Pretoria. The first time I laid eyes on him, I had a good chuckle as he brought back memories of Urkel – a nerdy character in a family series called Family Matters. Our Urkel has the same nasally whine in his voice and wears his trousers under his armpits. Added to this, he is one of the most irritating little people we know.

And here it starts. I sorted the mail out to make the reading easier.

From: Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 9:01 AM
To: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Cc: Half-pint (DBN)
Subject: Cancellation of Friendship

HMPH!

I, Xxxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxxxx, do hereby request a cancellation of friendship with one Big Sweetie for the unforgivable act of him sending Urkel to me!

This request may be cancelled and Big Sweetie may redeem himself by sending the requester a huge box of choccies!

***************************************************************************

From: Half-pint (DBN)
Sent: 01 June 2010 09:12
To: Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX); Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

I, Half-pint, do second this motion wholeheartedly. It is also my recommendation, that, in order to ease the complete and utter trauma suffered by the plaintiff in this instance, that a) groveling on bended knee (by the defendant) should be undertaken posthaste; and b) a suitably large bunch of flowers should accompany said box of chocolates.

Yours in Sisterhood,

Half-pint

Defender of woman’s mental well-being

*************************************************************************

From: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 9:25 AM
To: Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX); Half-pint (DBN)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

How about a hot bath instead?

***************************************************************************

From: Half-pint (DBN)
Sent: 01 June 2010 09:31 AM
To: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN); Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX);

Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

I regret to advise that your offer (whilst it may be considered generous by some) is not acceptable to the plaintiff at this stage. It is currently seen as adding fuel to the fire, as no groveling has been undertaken by you as at the present moment.

You are hereby requested to cease and desist with all  offers of a ‘friends with benefits’ nature, until such time as penance has been paid in full and the plaintiff and I are satisfied that your serious err in judgement was indeed momentary and shall not happen again.

*****************************************************************************

From: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 9:57 AM
To: Half-pint (DBN); Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

MMMMMMMMMMM

Ok I give up, set down the conditions of  “friends with benefits”

***************************************************************************

From: Half-pint (DBN)
Sent: 01 June 2010 10:55
To: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN); Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)

Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

The Accused:

The condition of “friends with benefits” is not as yet sub judice.

That matter will be determined and deliberated on at a later stage, one that pleases both the plaintiff and you as the defendant in this matter; and will be presided over by myself as legal counsel for the plaintiff.

Your offer of a hot bath could however be construed as falling within the parameters of a ‘friendship with benefits’ as the natural assumption would be made that you intended to assist the plaintiff in this exercise.

May your statement “Ok, I give up” be taken as an admission of guilt of your intentional sending of Urkel to see the plaintiff in her office?

In the apparent absence of your having any legal counsel, I must caution you to proceed carefully, giving your utmost deliberation to your response as the punishment may be severe.

***************************************************************************

From: Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 10:56 AM
To: Half-pint (DBN); Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

Yes….what she said!

*****************************************************************************

From: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 11:13 AM
To: Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX); Half-pint (DBN)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

Ok guilty

*****************************************************************************

From: Half-pint (DBN)

Sent: 01 June 2010 11:31 AM
To: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN); Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

Aha, one plea of guilty has been entered and so recorded.

Does the defendant wish to express any feelings of remorse?

*****************************************************************************

From: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 11:35 AM
To: Half-pint (DBN); Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

Yes, lots of remorse

Remorse at not making a move earlier

Remorse of not proposing yet

Remorse of not buying choc’s and lacy things and diamond things too

*******************************************************************************

From: Half-pint (DBN)

Sent: 01 June 2010 11:53 AM
To: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN); Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

Let the record reflect that the defendant has expressed remorse at a number of actions he failed to take.

However, it is the learned decision of this court that the remorse expressed herein does not apply to the woeful and deliberate action of sending Urkel to the plaintiff’s office, which is the nature of the transgression for which the defendant was originally charged.

Further, it is the learned decision of this court that the remorse expressed only applies to missed opportunities, and although it is a skilful maneuver by the defendant to manipulate the plaintiff and her attorney into dropping all charges, it must be made clear to the defendant that neither the plaintiff nor her attorney is that gullible.

It is further decided that due to unforeseen circumstances (I’m off to a !*&$^% meeting again), that sentencing shall be remanded until tomorrow.

Court is adjourned.

********************************************************************************

Now all I have to do is come up with a suitable sentence and punishment for Big Sweetie!

I wonder if Blondie‘s law firm is looking for new blood? I think I did quite well considering I have no legal background. *grin*

And a reminder of the real Urkel:

I am

I want

to run like a child again,

to escape to the park to play footie

to think of nothing more demanding than

which flavour ice cream to choose.

I need

to splash barefoot in puddles

to bake mud pies and decorate them

to skip down the street

and not step on the cracks.

I still

dance in the rain

slide down banks on sheets of cardboard

hide and jump out at people

swing and play on the merry-go-round.

I am

still me.