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Legal counsel

At some stage of our working day, you’ll find a three-way email flying through cyber space between Big Sweetie, a close friend in our other building and myself. We have been so busy since Monday, that there’s been no time for taking a break of any sort, and I have had my backside firmly glued to my chair assisting another division with capturing screeds of data into Excel. All mind (and bum) numbingly braindead.

Yesterday that changed with a desperate cry for help from D at our other building. To put you in the picture, the person she refers to as Urkel is a chap who was transferred down from Pretoria. The first time I laid eyes on him, I had a good chuckle as he brought back memories of Urkel – a nerdy character in a family series called Family Matters. Our Urkel has the same nasally whine in his voice and wears his trousers under his armpits. Added to this, he is one of the most irritating little people we know.

And here it starts. I sorted the mail out to make the reading easier.

From: Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 9:01 AM
To: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Cc: Half-pint (DBN)
Subject: Cancellation of Friendship

HMPH!

I, Xxxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxxxx, do hereby request a cancellation of friendship with one Big Sweetie for the unforgivable act of him sending Urkel to me!

This request may be cancelled and Big Sweetie may redeem himself by sending the requester a huge box of choccies!

***************************************************************************

From: Half-pint (DBN)
Sent: 01 June 2010 09:12
To: Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX); Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

I, Half-pint, do second this motion wholeheartedly. It is also my recommendation, that, in order to ease the complete and utter trauma suffered by the plaintiff in this instance, that a) groveling on bended knee (by the defendant) should be undertaken posthaste; and b) a suitably large bunch of flowers should accompany said box of chocolates.

Yours in Sisterhood,

Half-pint

Defender of woman’s mental well-being

*************************************************************************

From: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 9:25 AM
To: Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX); Half-pint (DBN)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

How about a hot bath instead?

***************************************************************************

From: Half-pint (DBN)
Sent: 01 June 2010 09:31 AM
To: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN); Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX);

Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

I regret to advise that your offer (whilst it may be considered generous by some) is not acceptable to the plaintiff at this stage. It is currently seen as adding fuel to the fire, as no groveling has been undertaken by you as at the present moment.

You are hereby requested to cease and desist with all  offers of a ‘friends with benefits’ nature, until such time as penance has been paid in full and the plaintiff and I are satisfied that your serious err in judgement was indeed momentary and shall not happen again.

*****************************************************************************

From: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 9:57 AM
To: Half-pint (DBN); Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

MMMMMMMMMMM

Ok I give up, set down the conditions of  “friends with benefits”

***************************************************************************

From: Half-pint (DBN)
Sent: 01 June 2010 10:55
To: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN); Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)

Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

The Accused:

The condition of “friends with benefits” is not as yet sub judice.

That matter will be determined and deliberated on at a later stage, one that pleases both the plaintiff and you as the defendant in this matter; and will be presided over by myself as legal counsel for the plaintiff.

Your offer of a hot bath could however be construed as falling within the parameters of a ‘friendship with benefits’ as the natural assumption would be made that you intended to assist the plaintiff in this exercise.

May your statement “Ok, I give up” be taken as an admission of guilt of your intentional sending of Urkel to see the plaintiff in her office?

In the apparent absence of your having any legal counsel, I must caution you to proceed carefully, giving your utmost deliberation to your response as the punishment may be severe.

***************************************************************************

From: Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 10:56 AM
To: Half-pint (DBN); Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

Yes….what she said!

*****************************************************************************

From: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 11:13 AM
To: Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX); Half-pint (DBN)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

Ok guilty

*****************************************************************************

From: Half-pint (DBN)

Sent: 01 June 2010 11:31 AM
To: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN); Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

Aha, one plea of guilty has been entered and so recorded.

Does the defendant wish to express any feelings of remorse?

*****************************************************************************

From: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN)
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 11:35 AM
To: Half-pint (DBN); Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

Yes, lots of remorse

Remorse at not making a move earlier

Remorse of not proposing yet

Remorse of not buying choc’s and lacy things and diamond things too

*******************************************************************************

From: Half-pint (DBN)

Sent: 01 June 2010 11:53 AM
To: Big Sweetie (IT-YYY-DBN); Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxx (XXXXX)
Subject: RE: Cancellation of Friendship

Let the record reflect that the defendant has expressed remorse at a number of actions he failed to take.

However, it is the learned decision of this court that the remorse expressed herein does not apply to the woeful and deliberate action of sending Urkel to the plaintiff’s office, which is the nature of the transgression for which the defendant was originally charged.

Further, it is the learned decision of this court that the remorse expressed only applies to missed opportunities, and although it is a skilful maneuver by the defendant to manipulate the plaintiff and her attorney into dropping all charges, it must be made clear to the defendant that neither the plaintiff nor her attorney is that gullible.

It is further decided that due to unforeseen circumstances (I’m off to a !*&$^% meeting again), that sentencing shall be remanded until tomorrow.

Court is adjourned.

********************************************************************************

Now all I have to do is come up with a suitable sentence and punishment for Big Sweetie!

I wonder if Blondie‘s law firm is looking for new blood? I think I did quite well considering I have no legal background. *grin*

And a reminder of the real Urkel: